It’s been much too long since I’ve posted anything. I have had a tumultuous last twelve months, from leaving my job and starting a new one, from leaving that job to find myself back where I felt months before, and then back where I started – back in the career I love to hate but hate that I love it, all in the effort of self-care to get my life back.
Let me catch you up on 2019.
I discovered taking a moment to appreciate gratitude and acceptance. In January, I was meeting with medical professionals to deal with my depression and anxiety, and realized how much I missed my old job. My old job gave me the opportunity to use my brain, experience and knowledge. There was no other job that I could find which rivalled the intellectual aspects of working in real estate law.
Change of Fortune
I was on the short list for two jobs that I was sure would be offered to me. Neither one panned out. I was stunned. This was the beginning of my eye-opening experience of what the world looks like today. Here I was, notorious for landing on my feet when looking for employment. It would take one or two interviews – at most – and then I’d have work.
This did not happen.
Dealing with Loss
We also lost our older dog. Sam was my best friend, my “hip”. He was always next to me, and knew when I needed him. Sadly, in his eleventh year, we woke to find that he’d had a stroke of sorts, and he was not going to recover. He became relatively paralyzed after that episode, and we made the hard decision at the emergency vet’s office to let him pass with dignity and peace, not live with the hopes of getting better and losing quality of life. I loved him so much that I couldn’t bear to see him in pain, and there was no reason to prolong it. We sent him over the rainbow bridge to play and wait until we’re together again.
This was really, really hard on me. I still have a hard time dealing with emotions surrounding this loss. I miss him every day, and never knew such pain and loss before. I am so thankful for the time we had, and think of him often.
I also reflected on the turmoil I’ve dealt with in my employment over the last few years. It’s easy to appreciate a stable income and a good work environment, but employers can stain the experience very quickly. I know I put too much of my own standards and morals into my work, but it allows me to sleep at night, and be loyal to an employer who deserves it.
February was sneaky – I thought I had much more time on my unemployment insurance payments, but it was nearly out. I had to make a call with my doctor that said I was ready to return to work on a fulltime basis. I thought I was. Looking for work consumed much of my day, and by making this decision to be “work ready” I was able to extend my benefits for a while longer while I looked for work.
Therapy is nothing to be scoffed at. I sought out appointments with my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my family doctor to try to create a peace in my mind as to why my world had changed so much. Struggling with yourself is especially difficult when it’s due to depression and anxiety.
I’ve heard that depression is looking back, and anxiety is looking forward. So, it seems fair to think that if you deal with both, you are a human yo-yo, looking for that sweet spot to stop and find the calm. Desperate to find it, I tried different medication, different doses of medication, and different ways of dealing with the struggles which presented daily.
We added a new pup into our home. It will never be a replacement for Sam, but I had a huge hole in my heart that seemed to be dog-shaped. We welcomed Pip into our lives – a spunky Chihuahua who was nothing like my past dog, and yet managed to display so many quirks that only Sam had.
March brought some sunshine in my life. The weather was getting better, and my partner and I decided to return to our Cuba oasis to practice self-care and relaxation. We spent a week at our resort of choice. Despite a few things that were disappointing, we did manage to have a good time, and to think and self-reflect on the next few weeks. He needed the break, and I needed the sun.
Listen To Your Gut… Or At Least To Google
March also brought about an opportunity for employment. If you ever get that gut feeling that you should NOT take that job, then by all means, LISTEN TO YOURSELF. This girl did not. I found myself in a toxic environment with alleged potentially shady practices, and I needed out. (Google this person, and you will learn much about the dark side of this region.) Thankfully, I was “released” from that job because I didn’t really fit in. I pride myself on working for people I can be proud of – people not preying on others, making ill-fated decisions, etc. Some say, who cares since he/she signs the paycheque. Me. I cannot do it. And this situation just sent home the same feelings.
March went on by, and I found myself in April.
A New Old Job
I found a new job. It was a position I held a few years ago. At the time, it didn’t work out because of my own personal issues. It had been nearly a decade since I worked for this employer, and my life had changed in so many ways. To sum it up, I’d say I matured, found a stable home life and was able to put forth the necessary focus required to competently complete my work.
It’s been 8 weeks since I started the new job, and it feels like the first week and like years into it, all at once. The drive is longer than I’d hoped for, but if that is my only complaint, I’ll take it.
I wanted to share where I’ve been over the last 6 months, because I never intended to walk away. I needed to focus on some self-care, and find out what was important to me.
A Slight Change of Pace
It’s only three months until the next FinCon#19, and I want to commit to writing more commentary pieces. XennialBlogger is indicative of a generation lost, and I want to focus more on that in the weeks coming. I hope you will enjoy the twist in writing for a while!
TLDR: I’ve missed all of you. Self-care is necessary to be a better version of yourself. I am looking forward to sharing more with all of you, and hope to meet many of you at FinCon#19!
Let me know in the comments below how you manage your self-care, or how you stay balanced. Thanks!